Seeing all that put me in a bad mood. Reading all that put me in a bad mood. Thinking about you put me in a bad mood. But being with you…
Being with you puts me in the BEST mood.
I miss that mood. I miss the mood of being in love. The mood of knowing.
Knowing that I want you. Knowing love. Knowing lust. Knowing excitement. Knowing warmth. Knowing.
See the thing is I brought this on myself. I brought myself to knowing.
Knowing pain. Knowing anger. Knowing hurt. Knowing anguish. Knowing isolation. Knowing suffering. Knowing tears. Knowing brokenness. Knowing that I… I alone… fucked this up.
Not knowing. Not knowing if it will work out. Not knowing if we’ll reconcile our past. Not knowing what I want. Not knowing you…
I don’t know you anymore. I don’t know what you do anymore. I don’t know what you want from me. I don’t know what to do.
I see you’ve moved on. I see you progressing. I see you living life and I see you in your journey.
But I also see that I may not be in your future the way I want to be. I see that maybe it’s too late. That too much happened. That too much has come between us.
Strangers again.
I try not to think about you. I try not to look at your facebook. Your tumblr. Your face. Your smile. Your eyes. Your heart.
But of course, the harder I try, the more I think about you. About how I messed up. About why I did what I did. About how I could ever get you to trust me ever again. To love me ever again. To be mine ever again.
I move the camera, I change the focus. I learn. I realize I need to focus on myself. I need to learn how to be alone. I need to learn HOW TO BE WITH YOU, but I also need to learn HOW TO BE without you. I need to learn to be without anyone. I need to be happy and ready, before I can make you happy.
I’m not over you. I’m not ready to move on. I’m not ready to face the road without you. But I’m ready to move forward. And I’m ready to make myself complete in hopes that by focusing only on making myself complete, the rest of my life may fall into place naturally and complete itself. Complete.



